So what’s the big deal about Divorce that makes it
such an enigmatic human experience? simply put divorce is the ending of a very
sacred relationship and it is at the very least a sad and at worst a traumatic
affair. Then why is that the society generally tends to console the affected
parties; with almost no empathy. A virtual lack of understanding, tendency to
judge and attach stigmas leaves the one who has gone through the breakup isolated
in most cases. Perhaps most people can relate easily to life setbacks such as death
and disease even without actually experiencing them. They do have a general
feel and idea of what one is suffering through. Divorce, however, remains a
strange and alien territory. As a result many a times, even with best of
intentions at heart, the way we support a person recently exposed to this trial
ends up becoming a trial in itself for the poor soul. Sounds too far fetched
and over sensitive? Let’s take a look at some of the Divorce dialogues around
us….
The feminist friend
“Hey
Hania honey how are you? Just heard the news from Rukhsana Aunty!”
“Hey
Sara so good to see you….yeahI’m just about ok…surviving!”
“Yes,
I just rushed over the moment I heard. So finally it’s over; the divorce papers
have been signed”.
“Well
yes….I
guess its over…finally”
“Cheer
up buddy why the long face? You should be happy good riddance.”
“Hmmm
somehow I don’t really feel that happy…honestly”
“Why
why?….listen
Kashif was a loser of the highest order. Plus you weren’t even happy with him were
you? Tell me were you? You were always crying over the phone complaining about
him and his family…”
“Yes
Sara there were many issues hence this final tragedy but I still fell low…very low “
“Hania
get a grip why are you even feeling an iota of low? Number one you both were separated
for the last six months. Number two he was not a good husband and had serious
anger management issues amongst others”
“Yes
I remember very well thank you for your reminder”.
“Hey
you sound almost cross did I say something wrong? Are you upset with me?”
“Sara
I am not upset with you….I just ended my marriage of four years and its really not that
easy”
“Strange!
If you felt so strongly you should have just put up with his anger problems and
his very nosy mother. Clearly you couldn’t bear either so now you should be
happy you are free. Not just happy I think you need to celebrate. Come on let’s
go and celebrate…how about some sushi……”
“
No I don’t think I want to go out for Sushi tonight. I need to mourn and heal”
“MOURN….HEAL…..what? I am totally lost. I
think you are being ungrateful. You are alive and healthy not to mention well
to do with a job in a multinational bank. You can’t let this tiny thing affect
you so much”
“It’s
not a tiny thing my friend. It’s a huge setback in my life. I feel like a
failure, I built a relationship, nurtured it with the best of efforts and
intentions but it didn’t work out. It’s a feeling of complete loss….”
“I
am shocked how can you doubt yourself because of a man. You should have more
pride and self respect than that. No man is worth any tears.”
“IT’S
NOT ABOUT THE MAN ITS ABOUT ME”
The Supposedly well meaning
Aunt
“AssalamoAlaikum
Aunty how are you? How’s your knee now post the surgery?”
“Beta
leave everything, my knee is not important. First tell me is this divorce news
true?”
“Jee
Aunty its true. Kashif and I have signed the papers.”
“Oho
very bad. But what happened? Why divorce?”
“Huh….well
we had issues for some time and finally it ended”
“What
type of issues? Was he beating you?”
“No”
“Other
Women, chakkar shakkar?“
“No,
no”
“Any addiction…drinking…drugs ?”
“NO!”
“THEN
WHY?”
“Sigh… Aunty we were just different in a lot of ways. Plus I
couldn’t put up with his temperament. Extreme anger management issue. He also had
a problem with my job and independent streak. And many other small things that
added up.”
“Hain.
What reasons are these? Beta you should have made more effort. This job of
yours is the main culprit. Men like their wives to be at home . Cook for them
take care of them”
“Aunty
really that wasn’t the case I did cook very regularly as You know I love
cooking….”
“Beta, women only have to keep the marriage together. You have to make yourself
so important in the man”s life that hecannot operate without you. Look at me
till date I make your Uncle’s chapatti and tea with my own hands. I iron his
shirts myself and even give him his medicines. He just cannot survive without
me”
“Well
thanks fro the advice aunty”
“Yes
you are like my daughter I wish you had come to me before all this I would have
guided you in right direction. After all of I have two daughters of my own and
both happily married”
“NEXT
TIME AUNTY I WILL SERVE MY HUSBAND PROPERLY AND SAVE MY MARRIAGE AT ALL COSTS”
The Cynical Colleague
“HaniaSo
good to see you. How are you doing?
“I’m fine thankyouJabbir. What’s the update on our project report”.
“Listen don’t mind but I’m quite relieved you finally left that creep..”
“Sorry what did you say….”
“I
said its good that you left Kashif he really wasn’t good enough for you”
“Acha
really . Anyhow you don’t have to say all this I’m ok.”
“No no I really mean it. Many at the office were shocked when you decided to
marry him. I mean I shouldn’t say so but even looks wise he was not….”
“Excuse me Jabbir, really this is not making me feel any better and I don’t
think its right to comment on peoples appearances”
“Array looks tou I mentioned waisay hee there is more to it. We never told you but
everyone here thought he was really rude and obnoxious. In fact there are many
stories of his anger issues floating in the market. Is it true? “
“Well,
I really don’t want to wash any dirty
linen in public he was my ex husband and there is a certain respect attached to
that which I would want to maintain
“You
are so nice Hania. He didn’t deserve you. Ok forget everything but you know
Nadia in Acountssection who is a relative of your ex in-laws?”
“Yes
what about Nadia?”
“She once told us that Kashif was notorious in the family for habitually flirting with many of his cousins including Nadia
herself…..”
“Really, this was before our marriage or after?”
“Errrrrr…not sure but both I guess…he looked it now that I
think about it…total
bastard…”
“Acha
I never realized that”
“I
suppose I’m not all that smart right? After all I could never see all of this
earlier. Guess shouldn’t rely on my own judgment of people ever again in my
life. Basically I JUST DON’T TRUST MYSELF ANYMORE”.
Understandably a person going through the trauma of
divorce goes through a whole plethora of emotions. There is anger and
disappointment perhaps a sense of failure and the fear of being alone. There
may also be regret and self doubt. While its too long and broad a discussion as
to what should be the right way to deal with the people involved in a divorce,
one can at least pinpoint the things that must be avoided at all costs. To
begin with don’t over discuss and over analyze the divorce. Don’t try too hard
to cheer the person up and don’t condemn the person be it man or woman for this
failure. Last but not the least constant and unnecessary criticism of the ex
spouse is always a bad idea. Even if it is encouraged by the person in front of
us or appears to momentarily make them happy its essentially against basic etiquette. More importantly negativity is bound to breed negativity and
increase the mental baggage of the person already suffering without helping
them deal with the situation in any constructive manner.
By Samreen Awan
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